Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving me warning of its intention.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve several times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother in law and headed over the embankment.
In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for a plant all day and was on my way home. As I reached an inter-section a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident and damage my big end.
As I approached the intersection a sign appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
Thursday, July 10, 2003
A Woman's Dictionary
1. "Fine"
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use "fine" to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)
2. "Five minutes"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an even trade.
3. "Nothing"
"Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows) This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine."
5. "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows) this is NOT permission, either. It means, "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
6. "Loud Sigh"
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing!."
7. "Soft Sigh"
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.
8. "Oh"
This word - followed by any statement - is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. ("Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie). Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead," sometimes followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.
9. "That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
10. "Please Do"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
11. "Thanks"
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome."
12. "Thanks A Lot"
"Thanks A Lot" is dramatically different from "Thanks." A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "Loud Sigh." This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing".
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use "fine" to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)
2. "Five minutes"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an even trade.
3. "Nothing"
"Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows) This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine."
5. "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows) this is NOT permission, either. It means, "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
6. "Loud Sigh"
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing!."
7. "Soft Sigh"
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.
8. "Oh"
This word - followed by any statement - is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. ("Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie). Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead," sometimes followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.
9. "That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
10. "Please Do"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
11. "Thanks"
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome."
12. "Thanks A Lot"
"Thanks A Lot" is dramatically different from "Thanks." A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "Loud Sigh." This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing".
Wednesday, July 09, 2003
'Nother Joke-Idiots Abound
IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the
clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the
credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction
unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was
necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So
I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared
the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck
would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer
Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by
Cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
IDIOT SIGHTING #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
IDIOT SIGHTING #2:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who is leaving
the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully,
'this is fun!. We should do this more often.' Not a word was spoken.
We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights
stare.
IDIOT SIGHTING #3:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up
our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock
the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was
unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'
To which he replied, 'I know - I already got that side.'
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the
clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the
credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction
unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was
necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So
I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared
the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck
would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer
Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by
Cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
IDIOT SIGHTING #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
IDIOT SIGHTING #2:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who is leaving
the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully,
'this is fun!. We should do this more often.' Not a word was spoken.
We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights
stare.
IDIOT SIGHTING #3:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up
our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock
the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was
unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'
To which he replied, 'I know - I already got that side.'
Monday, July 07, 2003
Gentle thoughts for a Monday
1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to
look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it
is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's
dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at
the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the
tempting moment.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by
then your body and your fat are really good friends.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy
a replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in
mind to blame.
13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell
when he's really in trouble.
14. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS"
together it spells "THEIRS"?
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to
look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it
is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's
dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at
the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the
tempting moment.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by
then your body and your fat are really good friends.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy
a replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in
mind to blame.
13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell
when he's really in trouble.
14. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS"
together it spells "THEIRS"?
Filed in: Forwarded
Friday, May 23, 2003
Virus Being Sent from Microsoft?
Not really, but it looks like it is coming from support@microsoft.com. Whatever you do, do not open it. It is the Palyh Worm and like any other worm it will burrow deep into your registry and send itself to all your friends or business associates in your email address book. Not a good way to keep friends if you ask me. Read more about it here.
Filed in: InformationDesk
Saturday, May 10, 2003
Three Good Tips
ANDY ROONEY'S TIPS FOR TELEMARKETERS
Three Little Words That Work ! ! !
(1)
The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..."
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off
(instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing
call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.
Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone,
you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has
efficiently completed its task.
These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.
* * * * * * * * * *
(2)
Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one
on the other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls
and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.
This technique is used to determine the best time of day for
a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.
What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there,
is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times,
as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the
call and it kicks your number out of their system.
Since doing this, my phone calls have decreased dramatically.
* * * * * * * *
(3)
Another Good Idea:
When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return
these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw
their own junk mail away.
When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything
from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw
away the return envelope.
Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right?
It costs them more than the regular 37 cents postage "IF" and
when they receive them back.
It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was
around 50 cents before! the last increase and it is according to
the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other
junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid
return envelopes. If you didn't get anything else
that day, then just send them their blank application back!
If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name
isn't on anything you send them.
You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to
just to keep them guessing!
Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin
getting their own junk back in the mail.
Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and
best of all they're paying for it...Twice!
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that
e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they
need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea!
If enough people follow these tips, it will work----
I have been doing this for years, and I get very little
junk mail anymore.
Three Little Words That Work ! ! !
(1)
The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..."
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off
(instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing
call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.
Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone,
you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has
efficiently completed its task.
These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.
* * * * * * * * * *
(2)
Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one
on the other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls
and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.
This technique is used to determine the best time of day for
a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.
What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there,
is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times,
as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the
call and it kicks your number out of their system.
Since doing this, my phone calls have decreased dramatically.
* * * * * * * *
(3)
Another Good Idea:
When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return
these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw
their own junk mail away.
When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything
from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw
away the return envelope.
Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right?
It costs them more than the regular 37 cents postage "IF" and
when they receive them back.
It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was
around 50 cents before! the last increase and it is according to
the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other
junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid
return envelopes. If you didn't get anything else
that day, then just send them their blank application back!
If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name
isn't on anything you send them.
You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to
just to keep them guessing!
Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin
getting their own junk back in the mail.
Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and
best of all they're paying for it...Twice!
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that
e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they
need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea!
If enough people follow these tips, it will work----
I have been doing this for years, and I get very little
junk mail anymore.
Filed in: InformationDesk
Friday, May 09, 2003
Sounds so familiar
Randy Nieland reported today in his tech specialist newsletter about this article on news.com.
Best Buy has been doing this for awhile now. When my wife and I purchased our Sony VAIO from them, the sales clerk feverishly attempted to coerce me into trying out MSN for three months. I briefly tried to explain that I had a cable internet access and had no use for dial-up connection whether it be three months or three years worth of free service, but he cut me off and started telling me that I could use it as a back up in case the cable access was down. My wife then asked him if we would incurr any charges at the end of the three month period, to which he turned around, acted like he was grabbing a bag, and said yes. I wondered to myself if they were trained in this technique, but despite my curiosity, I did not ask. The clerk then explained that all we had to do was cancel before three month's time had passed and no charges would be processed to our credit card. I finally ended the sales pitch by asking him these questions:
1) Why would I want a back up internet plan that I will have to pay for before I ever get a chance to use it free?
2) Why would we want to hassle with cancelling it when we don't want the trial in the first place?
3? Why would I want you to scan it on to our credit card when, whether I install the software or not, if we don't cancel the trial, we will be charged?
The word "free" does not make sense to me here, but I guess the clerks make a certain commission off of every free trial handed out and charged. This does not make me stop buy at Best Buy, but I do not buy any extra protection or get anything the advertise as "free".
Best Buy has been doing this for awhile now. When my wife and I purchased our Sony VAIO from them, the sales clerk feverishly attempted to coerce me into trying out MSN for three months. I briefly tried to explain that I had a cable internet access and had no use for dial-up connection whether it be three months or three years worth of free service, but he cut me off and started telling me that I could use it as a back up in case the cable access was down. My wife then asked him if we would incurr any charges at the end of the three month period, to which he turned around, acted like he was grabbing a bag, and said yes. I wondered to myself if they were trained in this technique, but despite my curiosity, I did not ask. The clerk then explained that all we had to do was cancel before three month's time had passed and no charges would be processed to our credit card. I finally ended the sales pitch by asking him these questions:
1) Why would I want a back up internet plan that I will have to pay for before I ever get a chance to use it free?
2) Why would we want to hassle with cancelling it when we don't want the trial in the first place?
3? Why would I want you to scan it on to our credit card when, whether I install the software or not, if we don't cancel the trial, we will be charged?
The word "free" does not make sense to me here, but I guess the clerks make a certain commission off of every free trial handed out and charged. This does not make me stop buy at Best Buy, but I do not buy any extra protection or get anything the advertise as "free".
Filed in: InformationDesk
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