Monday, March 17, 2003

Joke for Monday Morning

This is one of my favorites.

A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in big trouble this time! God is missing and they think we did it!"

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Friday, March 14, 2003


To: Big Wig CEO of my company

From: Me

Subj: 2002 Discretionary Bonus

Dear Sir,

On behalf of myself and my whole family I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for the discretionary award. I am very excited to see your appreciation of our hard work shown in the only form of gratitude we truly I look forward to continually working hard and receiving even more money from you this year.



P.S. If you see Dodge this weekend, tell him I had to get the hell out. Thank you.

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Thursday, March 13, 2003

Jeans Genes

Being my daughter has definate advantages. One such advantage is being born with the ability to sleep anywhere and anytime the need arises. The only disadvantage is having a father who thinks "where's my camera?" before taking you to bed....

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Tuesday, March 11, 2003


I do not know how useful dreams can be to someone when translated, I have never tried to have mine interpretted. Mostly because I can never remeber the many, many details of my dreams that I have. I can vividly recall these details at 3:30 when I awake from my dream, but once I go back to sleep those details are gone, erased from my memory banks. There are always some remnants left in the recycle bin, just enough to remind me that I dearly wanted to remember the whole dream. I wonder if the other 90% of my brain is trying to tell me things that it can not tell me during the normal course of the day because I haven't learned how to listen to it.

The pieces I do remember from last night's episode are somewhat recurring. My wife, kids and I are all living in the house I grew up in (which is 3000 miles away) and the dog I grew up with lives with us (she has been dead for about 6 years now). Fragments are all that I have left after that, like the dog sitting on a chair at the table eating dinner with us. There was also a statement of some sort that had some meaning behind it; "Come to me ....., as you did last night, ......". When I awoke at 3:30 I knew what that meaning was, and why my dog dined with us, but I don't remember any more. That is what makes not being able to remember frustrating. Usually the instant I wake up, I know the meaning of my dreams, but once I go back to sleep, or even start thinking about something else, the meaning is lost. Maybe a pen and pad of paper on the nightstand is necessary, to help decrypt the messages my subconcious is trying to send me. It's ironic that the only dreams I truly remember the next day are the ones I wish I could forget.

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Sunday, March 09, 2003

GM Helpline

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine if they did . . .

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"

HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"


HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"

CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What!?" I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

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Friday, March 07, 2003

Another Friday Five

Friday again:

1. What was the last song you heard?

Sad as it may be, it was "Voices Carry" by Til Tuesday. I was caught in a week moment of nostalgia and couldn't change the radio alright?
UPDATE: I heard "Faries Wear Boots" by Black Sabbath on the way to work.

2. What were the last two movies you saw?

The Sum of All Fears and holy jeez, it has been awhile, I think it was Shallow Hal.

3. What were the last three things you purchased?

Does this apply to soda, cigarettes and coffee? Or is the question referring to bigger purchases.

4. What four things do you need to do this weekend?

Attend a funeral
Party like crazy tonight to celebrate Bobby's Birthday
Take Tyler and Breanna to baseball practice
Have Birthday party for Tyler (9) at Laser Quest

5. Who are the last five people you talked to?

Brad (Boss)
Chuck (coworker)
Bill (coworker)
George (coworker)

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Wednesday, March 05, 2003

Scamming the Scammer

This may be a long read, but it's well worth the time. This is how you con a con-artist. Well done.

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Tuesday, March 04, 2003

Wasted Potential

Is anyone else feeling cheated due to only being able to use approximately 10% of one's brain? I am. I say it's due time to tap this puppy and see what it can do. If my computer only uses 10% of it's brain I can tweak the settings to perform optimally. There has to be a way to reclaim at least some of this untapped potential. If I could find a way to use just 20% of my brain, I'd be twice as smart as I currently am. I'd also have a lot more retension room. As it is there is far too much useless information cluttering up valuable head space. I need an upgrade. Think Crucial has a solution for me?