Thursday, March 02, 2006

How to Enrage Your Owner - A Pet's Guidebook

Enraging your owner is fun to do. Watching the human's face contort into a fit of rage is one of the few truly enjoyable moments of the day. Mornings do work best, especially before the rest of the house wakes up. That way, the owner's rage must be kept in check, and the temper tantrum must be a quiet one. This enrages humans even further.

A good idea is to coordinate your efforts with more than one pet. The human can not focus his anger on just one of you, yet the anger grows and grows, bringing the human to a state of pure fury that is so enjoyable to watch. That's when you can sit back and enjoy the fireworks.

Here is a good way to get the ball rolling in the morning, again, having more than one participant works wonders:
  1. Pet 1: Knock over a plant that has a lot of dirt and rock in it, making sure to cause a crash when it hits the floor spilling the rock and dirt everywhere.

  2. Pet 2: Try to eat the rock and dirt as the owner is cleaning it up.

  3. Pet 2: The owner should still be cleaning up the dirt, and not watching you, go poop in the dining room. Make it a stinky one for effect.

  4. Both Pets: Give your owner 5 minutes to calm down, we wouldn't want any pets getting harmed for our enjoyment.

  5. Pet 1: Just when your owner has settled down, pick something else to knock over. We recommend your food if it is kept in a place suitable for knock off of. Pretend like you are eating to keep your owner from getting suspicious.

  6. Pet 2: While your owner is cleaning up the food and probably cussing under his breath (remember, it's too early for the owner to yell) find something to tear apart. We suggest some sort of beanie animal, the kind that has lots of tiny little beads in it.

  7. Pet 2: Bonus...while the owner is cleaning up the remains of that conquest, start tearing something else apart, like your bed. Make sure it makes a ripping sound, again, for effect.
After these steps are completed, sit back and enjoy the wonderful quiet temper tantrum that you have created. Heck, have a good chew on deserve it. If, by chance, either one of you end up in your cage for your efforts, consider your mornings job well done.

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Ed Kohler said...

I think my eyes would be watering from laughing at the absurdity of the entire situation if that happened to me. Great story.

jen said...


my cat charlie & my yorkie puppy eve do something similar every single night. but not the knocking down part.

eve chases charlie. nips @ his tail. then screeches when he attacks her. once she gets away, she barks at him while hiding under the couch.

the mess occurs when eve for seemingly no reason "forgets" where her paper is and just does her business wherever she deems the best place to go.

oh, and let me not forget how eve likes to sneak into charlie's litterbox to find snacks. EWWWWWWWWW...

uh yeah, makes me want to get a plant. =)