Getting Married in Heaven . . .
A couple decide to elope and get married but on the way to the Registry office they are involved in a fatal car crash.
They find themselves standing next to St Peter waiting to be let into Heaven.
While waiting for him to finalise the paperwork, the couple ask if it's possible for them to get married in Heaven.
"I dont know,"says St Peter. "This is the first time I have ever been asked. Let me go and find out ."
After eight weeks waiting, St Peter returns and tells the couple that they can indeed get married, if they so wish.
However, during the long wait the couple have had time to think long and hard about their relationship and what might happen if the marriage doesn't work out (eternity is quite a long time after all).
So they ask St Peter if they can get divorced if it all goes wrong. St Peter goes red in the face and slams down his paperwork:
"Oh come on!" he shouts, 'It's taken me two months to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it will take to find a lawyer?"
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Getting Married in Heaven . . .
This is cheap, and I feel ashamed for even thinking about doing it. It was a long weekend and long morning, so I'm putting up a joke to fill space. Deal with it:
Friday, May 27, 2005
King of the Comeback
Much too moronic for rational or intelligent statements when in an argument or while being confronted, he is....the Kink of the Comeback.
On my way home from work one day last week, my usual route home was blocked by construction, leaving me with no other choice but to take back roads. I was traveling down one such road, a busy one, approaching a stop sign. The line to the stop sign was backed up to the point of blocking a development's entrance, if I were not to stop short of it and let a few cars turn in front of me. Some asswipe in a Corvette, however, decides that he's too good to wait and comes from somewhere behind me, trying to pass the line on the right hand shoulder, almost hitting the car turning into the development in front of me and almost hitting me while trying to avoid that accident. As soon as that car passed he gassed it again, putting himself in line a whole one car ahead of me, almost being hit by the other car that I was letting turn into the development.
After calmly rolling down the window and shouting a few chosen words, to which I got no reaction from the asswipe (pronounced a-swipay, he did look italian), we both ended up going straight through the next intersection. I remained one car behind the almost one-hit wonder. As we approached the next lighted intersection, I needed to go left, and it appeared as though asswipe would go straight. I veered into the left hand turning lane and started to pass asswipe, when he started gazing off into the field on the side of the road and almost swerved into my car again, before stopping at the stoplight.
At this point I've had enough, so I backed up a few inches to even my car up with his, rolled down my window and asked if he was paying attention to what he was doing. When he turned down his music and asked me what I said, I calmly and rationally said (yelled) "Why don't you open you (expletive) eyes and pay attention to where your (expletive) going jackass." His reply to my verbal assault was brilliant. He thought for a second and said "(expletive) off". Ah yes I could tell I was bantering with a genius.
Now I admit, that the expletives were exiting my mouth way more expediantly than I normally care for, but at least I was sandwiching them in between rational thought. As the "conversation" went on, the only thing he kept saying is "where you at, where you at". What does that mean exactly? Was he trying to tell me that although he could not match my wit or knew he was wrong, that he would like to make himself feel more manly by challenging me to a fight? Pretty common for an asswipe.
Finally the light turned green and as we started heading our separate ways, I leaned into the passenger side window, and yelled "just open your eyes and pay attention". His final comeback was "you open your eyes".
Wow, Maybe I should.
On my way home from work one day last week, my usual route home was blocked by construction, leaving me with no other choice but to take back roads. I was traveling down one such road, a busy one, approaching a stop sign. The line to the stop sign was backed up to the point of blocking a development's entrance, if I were not to stop short of it and let a few cars turn in front of me. Some asswipe in a Corvette, however, decides that he's too good to wait and comes from somewhere behind me, trying to pass the line on the right hand shoulder, almost hitting the car turning into the development in front of me and almost hitting me while trying to avoid that accident. As soon as that car passed he gassed it again, putting himself in line a whole one car ahead of me, almost being hit by the other car that I was letting turn into the development.
After calmly rolling down the window and shouting a few chosen words, to which I got no reaction from the asswipe (pronounced a-swipay, he did look italian), we both ended up going straight through the next intersection. I remained one car behind the almost one-hit wonder. As we approached the next lighted intersection, I needed to go left, and it appeared as though asswipe would go straight. I veered into the left hand turning lane and started to pass asswipe, when he started gazing off into the field on the side of the road and almost swerved into my car again, before stopping at the stoplight.
At this point I've had enough, so I backed up a few inches to even my car up with his, rolled down my window and asked if he was paying attention to what he was doing. When he turned down his music and asked me what I said, I calmly and rationally said (yelled) "Why don't you open you (expletive) eyes and pay attention to where your (expletive) going jackass." His reply to my verbal assault was brilliant. He thought for a second and said "(expletive) off". Ah yes I could tell I was bantering with a genius.
Now I admit, that the expletives were exiting my mouth way more expediantly than I normally care for, but at least I was sandwiching them in between rational thought. As the "conversation" went on, the only thing he kept saying is "where you at, where you at". What does that mean exactly? Was he trying to tell me that although he could not match my wit or knew he was wrong, that he would like to make himself feel more manly by challenging me to a fight? Pretty common for an asswipe.
Finally the light turned green and as we started heading our separate ways, I leaned into the passenger side window, and yelled "just open your eyes and pay attention". His final comeback was "you open your eyes".
Wow, Maybe I should.
Tags: Road Rage, Asswipe, Fight, Argument, Comeback
Thursday, May 26, 2005
UPS Driver Etiquette
Normally, I like UPS drivers. The one that delivers to my house is very cool and my normal delivery guy at work is cool. Last night we must have had a new driver making our daily pickup.
I heard someone come up the stairs at my office, right around the time the UPS guy picks up our outgoing deliveries. We didn't have any outgoing last night, but instead of hearing the normal key jingling sound going back down the stairs, I heard the bathroom door shut. This is a one person bathroom, as my current office only consists of two people, but guests are usually welcome to use it at any time.
After a couple of minutes, however, I realized that the UPS driver was doing more than a quick pitstop, he was sitting on the throne. I know, I know, UPS drivers are human too, and where else could they go, but he was in there at least ten minutes. Then, after all was said and done, he opened the door and left...and I was immediately offended by the odor wafting down the hallway and seeping into my office from the bathroom. I thought to myself, at least he could have sprayed the air freshener. But that wasn't the worst of this drivers bathroom baffoonery, not by a long shot.
I did not attempt to go in right away, however, I did have to use the bathroom before leaving, and found out this driver has no bathroom etiquette at all. It looked as though he had washed his dirty hands but didn't use any soap. And then, instead of drying them with the paper towels, shook them dry all over the place. There were black dirty water spots all over the sink, the toilet, the floor, the mirror and the walls. He also left a present floating in the toilet, staring up at me. Thanks.
How do you feel ok about yourself after leaving someone elses bathroom in this manner. It absolutely disgusted me, and I really hope it was not my normal driver. He doesn't look like the type to read Bowhunt America magazine though. I know this guy does because he left the subscription cards from his magazine that he obviously brought with him, on the floor. Thanks, but I think I'll pass on that sub.
Oh and PS, after wiping your butt, the toilet paper goes in the toilet....not in the trash can. Damn.
I heard someone come up the stairs at my office, right around the time the UPS guy picks up our outgoing deliveries. We didn't have any outgoing last night, but instead of hearing the normal key jingling sound going back down the stairs, I heard the bathroom door shut. This is a one person bathroom, as my current office only consists of two people, but guests are usually welcome to use it at any time.
After a couple of minutes, however, I realized that the UPS driver was doing more than a quick pitstop, he was sitting on the throne. I know, I know, UPS drivers are human too, and where else could they go, but he was in there at least ten minutes. Then, after all was said and done, he opened the door and left...and I was immediately offended by the odor wafting down the hallway and seeping into my office from the bathroom. I thought to myself, at least he could have sprayed the air freshener. But that wasn't the worst of this drivers bathroom baffoonery, not by a long shot.
I did not attempt to go in right away, however, I did have to use the bathroom before leaving, and found out this driver has no bathroom etiquette at all. It looked as though he had washed his dirty hands but didn't use any soap. And then, instead of drying them with the paper towels, shook them dry all over the place. There were black dirty water spots all over the sink, the toilet, the floor, the mirror and the walls. He also left a present floating in the toilet, staring up at me. Thanks.
How do you feel ok about yourself after leaving someone elses bathroom in this manner. It absolutely disgusted me, and I really hope it was not my normal driver. He doesn't look like the type to read Bowhunt America magazine though. I know this guy does because he left the subscription cards from his magazine that he obviously brought with him, on the floor. Thanks, but I think I'll pass on that sub.
Oh and PS, after wiping your butt, the toilet paper goes in the toilet....not in the trash can. Damn.
Tags: UPS Driver, Bathroom Etiquette
Feeling Lost?
WARNING: for some strange reason, like your in France or something, you have not seen the season finale of Lost, do not continue reading.
It seems as though Dave was feeling lost after watching the season finale of Lost last night:
Russo, the French chick, said that she heard "the others" whispering about coming after "the boy". Bringing "the others" out to snatch "the boy" from the boat when everyone assumed, including me, that they would be coming after Clair's boy was a brilliant misdirection. I didn't see that coming at all, I didn't think they would find their saviors, but we're left thinking all of them could be dead. Brilliant.
The black mist? That was stupid. I was, however, happy that it's not some cheesy looking dinosaur. I've said since the first episode that if it was, I would not watch again.
Bringing in a new character a couple weeks ago to explain why the dynamite would be so dangerous was a good idea too, even if he had to demonstrate why. I really liked how the writers tried to lull us into a comfort zone and believe that the stick in his hand would not blow. Then....boom. Then Hurley's line to Jack a couple of scenes later was absolutely classic:
Overall I thought it was a great episode. Can't wait for next season. And don't worry Dave, they'll probably bring you right back to them with the season opener, after you forget how pissed off you are.
It seems as though Dave was feeling lost after watching the season finale of Lost last night:
I for one, thought there was a couple of extremely cool things about the finale. I don't watch much TV at all, so if a show can get me guessing as to what's really going on, then the writers of that show have done a good job. It means I'm interested. Now, if you get me to keep changing my guesses, that's what I like best.Okay, I just sat through two hours of Lost expecting that at least one small something would be solved or explained. Of course, nothing was, and now I want my two hours back. I think this was about the most lame, disappointing, piece of shit finale ever aired on television. Note to writers and producers: you can't just string people along forever with no pay-off. So where was my f#@&ing pay-off? If they're not going to explain anything at season's end... the most important episode of the entire year... does that mean they never plan on it at all? Will they just keep going and going until they're cancelled, and then leave everybody hanging? Whoopee! It's a hole! THAT'S what I waited all season for? I mean, who cares?
Russo, the French chick, said that she heard "the others" whispering about coming after "the boy". Bringing "the others" out to snatch "the boy" from the boat when everyone assumed, including me, that they would be coming after Clair's boy was a brilliant misdirection. I didn't see that coming at all, I didn't think they would find their saviors, but we're left thinking all of them could be dead. Brilliant.
The black mist? That was stupid. I was, however, happy that it's not some cheesy looking dinosaur. I've said since the first episode that if it was, I would not watch again.
Bringing in a new character a couple weeks ago to explain why the dynamite would be so dangerous was a good idea too, even if he had to demonstrate why. I really liked how the writers tried to lull us into a comfort zone and believe that the stick in his hand would not blow. Then....boom. Then Hurley's line to Jack a couple of scenes later was absolutely classic:
The hole didn't really bother me either. I did not expect to see anything of it. In fact, I had even thought that the dynamite might not open it, so I was not disappointed.Hurley: Um, you've got some Arnst on you.
Overall I thought it was a great episode. Can't wait for next season. And don't worry Dave, they'll probably bring you right back to them with the season opener, after you forget how pissed off you are.
Tags: Lost Season Finale, Lost, Finale, TV Series
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
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